Eeyore's Little Space

Seasons

I'm only slightly ashamed to admit that I was watching OWN last night and watched the whole Life Lessons with Tony Robbins. I discovered that Tony Robbins is deeply spiritual and God-believing, and that he passes on that message without actually preaching. One of the things that I learned last night from Oprah and Tony resonated with me deeply. It's changing my focus and my motivation. It is this:

This is only a season. And seasons don't last forever.

I've decided that my 20's have been my winter of weight issues. Last night I prayed big that I would wake up renewed and refreshed in my determination to lose weight and get healthier before I expect my body to grow a healthy baby. I prayed for strength and inspiration. I also asked for miraculous intervention - like waking up 20lbs lighter, because why not? Go big or go home! Haha.

Today we went for a big walk through the fields with the dogs. I took time to take some pride in my appearance - did my hair, accessorized, put on some perfume (I always do my makeup, so that's a given). I'm cooking a lovely dinner for J and I - and we are drinking wine. Today I feel good - and I'm hoping that with a little divine intervention and a new mindset that my weight spring is upon me, that this feeling will continue through my work week. Although it's Sunderland Music Festival this week, so that could be a challenge!!

Thanks for reading - happy family day!

CB

Panic Attacks

Last night I had a full-blown panic attack. Hysterical sobbing, couldn't breathe - it was terrible. I started thinking about how short life is - dear god. Bring on the anti-psychotics please. It was awful though - J had to come home from a friend's to help me calm down. What is my problem??? He was very patient last night, but I think if it happens again he won't be so understanding!! Poor guy.

Any of you guys ever had an episode like this before?

CB

excitingscaryexciting

Today I had my naturopath visit. Yes, we addressed my mental health - where I worry all the time over things I have no control over. We talked about my diet and my mood and my energy levels. And then I came home with pre-natal vitamins. !#$%&?

I'm feeling calmer about my birthday - in two months. Part of the issue I think is this extra 30lbs I'm walking around with. It's hard to live your best life when you're sitting on the sidelines being self-conscious. Today I had a salad for lunch so that's a start!

Happy Anniversay Mom and Dad!!

CB

Approaching 30

Those of you who have already turned 30 - which is all of my 3 blog readers - may laugh at this post. But, hopefully you'll relate instead.

In about 2 months (10 weeks J says, since that's also the day that contraception gets thrown away) I will turn 30. And while I'm certain that I'm going to rock my 30's, I can't help feeling like all of a sudden I'm going to be saying "In about 2 months I will turn 80." (Probably the contraception part will be moote by that time.) I'm turning into a complete psycho who thinks about the speed of life and dying every single day. I'm worried that I didn't do what I was supposed to do in my 20's and that now I"ll never have the chance to do it - like wear a bikini in a convertible in LA. Seriously, where do these ideas come from? Then when I think about being 80 before I know it I wonder how I will die - will I go gently? Or not so much? Will I fight it? Will I keep my eyes open until the last second or will I close my eyes and sleep? My poor husband is worried about my mental health - should he be? Should I be making an appointment with the shrink? Or just pour a glass of wine, get a pedicure, and a new haircut? I don't know.

In other news - I'm trying very hard (95% of the time anway) to lose weight before the attempts at baby start. I'm also planning a fashion overhaul for my birthday - I'm setting aside a whole paycheck for this. Pretty exciting!!

There are people in the kitchen installing cabinets - they will be done everything tomorrow they say. We are going to buy our countertop today - they will come measure it next week. Then J will order our backsplash on Tuesday. Our door knobs and drawer pulls are ordered, our under cabinet lighting is ordered, the paint is bought, the appliances are on their way - it's all coming together!! Can't wait.

Hope you're all having a fabulous Saturday - and you're all invited for wine to celebrate the new kitchen -- or Baileys, or Coke - whatever!

Lots of love

CB

Some thoughts on a sunny Sunday

I was driving home from church just now, the sun was shining, and I started thinking about what people were doing for lunch after church. Did they go to a restaurant? Did they go home and whip something up? And I was remembering that some of my favourite lunches were grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Oh yes - and pickles! And I don't think this was my favourite because of the menu choices, it was the sameness - the routine of having lunch together as a family after church.

I'm thinking that remembering this is all part of nesting - the desire to create your own experiences and traditions with your own family. The day will come I'm sure. I wonder - do you know you're creating memories as you're going about?

Hope you're all having a fantastice start to 2012!

CB

Hello?

So, it would appear that I don't have much time for a blog that no one really reads - so that is why I never post on here. If you're one of the 3 people who do read this - well, perhaps you'll have to email me instead!! That being said, I'm having a small indentity crisis at the moment - it's an old one though, so it may be boring to you all. It's the old traditional vs feminist argument. And it seems to be rearing it's head lately. Other than that - I'm feeling a bit bummed out today - no real reason, just am. And that's all I have to say!! Sorry sisters!

Sorry Mom - here's a wee update.
So - I'm getting married in 4 sleeps. Holy shit!!! I can hardly believe it. And while the actual location of the wedding may still be up in the air at this point, the rings are bought, the dress is gorgeous, the license is in hand, and the minister is booked. It will happen. I will marry Jay - finally - after 9 long and wonderful (mostly ;)) years.
Dad - next time I'll elope. PROMISE.
I can't wait to have a room full - a party full - of all the people I love the most. When will this grouping of people ever happen again? Never. Just like Shawn said before my bachelorette - this only happens once. I vow to savour it - and enjoy it. It will be as perfect as it can be - as long as I say yes and he says yes, what else really matters?
Now back to the planning, and doing, and organizing.
Ooo - did I mention I'll be in Jamaica in 5 sleeps??

xox - the Future Mrs. Jason Britton eek!!!

The Lark Ascending

The lark ascending is one of my favourite classical pieces of music by Ralph Vaughan Williams. It sounds like flight and freedom and joy. So aside from wanting to fly away on vacation, this music is my new theme. I am freeing myself from the hold that my weight has on me. I'm letting it go. I'm allowing myself to experience the joy of my life without hating myself because I'm not thin. Yes, I know, I'm carrying extra weight and I'm not very fit and that this is bad for my health. But so is negative self talk and being held prisoner by your own self judgment. So tonight I'm letting it go. And not by eating a chocolate bar and a bag of chips. But by not letting my whole life revolve around my weight. By liking myself again. Loving myself even? Hopefully this means that I'll drink more water and eat more fruits and vegetables. But if all it means is that the sparkle returns to my eyes than thats okay too. After all, God doesn't make mistakes and I am special!

Potential

Hi Mom.

Okay - so I may or may not be pms-ing, but I'm wondering if I'm reaching my full potential - or if I'm even pursuing the right potential. It seems to be the time of the year when I start wondering if I should be doing my masters, or pursuing my singing, or pursuing my home studio. It's not that I don't enjoy my job - I do. But I'm wondering if I was meant to do more? If I'm expecting enough of myself. And not just in a time commitment way, because I'm certainly commiting a lot of my time these days!! But in a quality way. Now I haven't always - or ever - pushed myself to perfection/my best. I've mostly managed to choose things that I had a certain knack for anyway. But then it goes back to the way I felt in university - like choosing the easy way out wasn't the best decision. However, I don't think music at school was the wrong choice. It's certainly led me to a pretty good life. But do I have more to give? Do I have more to grow? Thoughts?

One more sleep!

It looks like I'm keeping up with this blog just about as much as the last one. Oh well. I wanted to post that it's only one more sleep until my Mom comes for her weekend visit!! I'm pretty excited about that - we have a few things planned to do, number 1 being the bridal expo in Toronto. I'm mostly looking forward to the fashion show and getting some flower ideas. Then Saturday we are going to check out a book store and main street Stouffville and head to Frankie's - a gluten-free restaurant - for supper. Sunday is my concert and I think she's staying for that. Should be good. I'm starting to get a cold, so I'll be doing supply plans today just in case I need to be resting tomorrow. I am NOT getting pneumonia again this year.

Tuesday night I almost went to a weight watchers meeting, but I'm not ready for that. There are new running clinics starting in town soon so I'll check those out. It's stupid that I can't just lose this weight - it's not much at all!! But it is affecting how my clothes fit and my general level of confidence so let's just get it done!

Off to work - have a great day!!

C